Consider it Pure Joy

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers, and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do.”     James 1:2-8 NIV

This past week has been intense with last-minute appointments and phone calls preparing for surgery. I had planned to take a couple of days off to get rested up, but alas, I allowed those time blocks to slip away with work appointments, last minute phone calls, and approving last minute projects. A common theme emerged last week… a lot of last-minute activities. I thought I was creating enough margin for this upcoming surgery, but indeed, the margin was consumed by the urgent. Always one more call, one more email, one more…. What happened to my focus on “Be Still” ?  I have again succumbed to the tyranny of the urgent. My constant focus is to try to remain productive. Concerned that my value, my self-worth will be diminished if I am not productive.

The closer the clock ticked to the appointed time on Thursday, the more hurried I became. I tend to error on being over committed. Overfilling my calendar. Overcommitting beyond what I can possibly complete. Competing agendas between work, family life, and personal health challenges clash. Thursday morning surgery got postponed several hours, so I sat at my keyboard and pounded out a few more emails, responded to a few more requests. All in the name of staying on top of things so that I would not hold up the team or our clients… I rationalized that it was good because then I would be that much better off post-surgery.

The surgery, I was told was routine; the surgeon told Amy it was uneventful. Everything went as expected. However, post-surgery is not what I expected. The pain has been much greater for much longer than I expected. I have a high tolerance for pain. I am pretty “gritty” and can push through a lot of pain and challenges. I figured I had been able to handle the pain of the injury for three weeks, how bad could the pain post-surgery be? I miscalculated. The pain post has been far more difficult than I imagined or planned for emotionally. We set alarms every 4 hours to make sure to take pain meds to stay ahead of pain. We had a plan for breakthrough pain. We reworked the pain schedule hours after a few days to extend the time from 4 hours to every 6. However, the effects of the prescribed pain medication were something I was not expecting. Post-op days one and two were not bad, but by day three and moving into days four and five, my pain was still high, but the side effects of the pain meds were not worth it. I watched as my oxygen saturation started dropping.  I recognized my difficulty in breathing not just at night, but often during the day,  I felt like I could not get enough air to breath.  I monitored my blood pressure, which despite the pain being relatively low, which was dropping to lower levels every day. I decided to get off the strong prescribed pain meds and move towards ibuprofen only. Monday afternoon was my first attempt to go off the meds. I managed to get through the night and yesterday I was able to manage the pain with over-the-counter ibuprofen only. Last night I slept through the night and even missed my 5 AM pain med time.

Because of the pain levels and side effects of meds,  I have not been productive, and I have been frustrated with myself for missing my expectations. For not being able to get focused on mental, intellectual projects, like writing, keeping up with emails… or even the ability to maintain conversations. Too much of a blur, difficulty in staying focused, an inability to process information and data that I am reading and hearing… not able to quickly grasp and respond. And yet, Amy, family, and friends have been kind to say, “It is OK. You need to take it easy; you need to rest; you don’t need to – fill in the blank.”

Funny, how I am harder on myself than others are. I hold myself to a standard that others do not;  I expect things of myself that others don’t. I don’t give myself grace, but others do. I don’t extend the same mercy to myself in the same way it is extended to others. What does this say about me? How do I change? How do I change expectations of myself and extend grace and mercy to myself when it is needed? How do I ease up on the gas pedal… How do I slow down and “Be Still” – the general theme of this season.

I think that sometimes, we get caught up in our goals, our ambitions, our expectations for life and then we fight to realize them. I wonder if instead of driving hard, we should lean into the circumstances that God is allowing us to experience. Because it is these circumstances that God uses these experiences to filter out the noise and distractions and to see Him in these circumstances and then be still and recognize, to see where God is at work…  work to shape us, to mold us into His image. It really is the testing of faith in our trials, the extended time it takes which creates perseverance. It is in suffering, in the trials of life, that perseverance is forged. The shaping of our character is refined. James described the process and results vividly. And again, Eugene Peterson in his The Message paraphrase of the Bible amplifies it for us in modern conversational English when he writes,

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work, so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way. If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get his help and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it. Ask boldly, believingly, without a second thought. People who “worry their prayers” are like wind-whipped waves. Don’t think you’re going to get anything from the Master that way, adrift at sea, keeping all your options open.”  James 1:2-8 MSG

Yes, this is it! When my faith-life is forced into the open and I am forced to see my true self; when my true colors are exposed and on parade for me to see in the open, then I have nothing to hide behind, nor can I claim ignorance or lack of awareness. But if I lean into what I am seeing and learning about myself, then I can work on it and improve. I have an opportunity to become mature and well-developed in an area of weakness. That I can deal with this deficiency and grow through it. And If I don’t know how? If I don’t know where to start or what my first step is? I can pray and ask my Father in heaven who loves to help. And He will not think any less of me, but rather He is delighted to help. He is not looking to find fault. He will not be condescending. He is going to extend grace. Why is it so hard for me to extend that to myself?

How long will it take me to learn this lesson around my discoveries this week? I don’t know… it could be weeks… Maybe months…. I may need to be a continuous learner in this area the rest of my life.

Amy shared a song with me that she heard on the radio in the past week or so.  The lyrics include words about flowers growing in the valleys, which is where we plant flower seeds…. So that we can enjoy the flowers from the mountain tops. The singer-songwriter, Samantha Ebert, writes of being in bed for months dealing with a serious health challenge. It was in the isolation and despair of being confined to her bed, that she wrote the lyrics to a very popular song, FLOWERS;

Well, blue skies and hillsides feel so far away
And I wrote in my notebook that I've seen better days
Than the ones as of late
I can't bear that weight

[Verse 2]
The rain won't stop pouring out my window pane
And I haven't left my bedroom in 76 days
I wish something would change
'Cause I'm losing faith

[Chorus]
So I brought it up in a desperate prayer
Lord, why are you keeping me here?
Then He said to me, "Child, I'm planting seeds
I'm a good God and I have a good plan
So trust that I'm holding a watering can
And someday you'll see that flowers grow in the valley"

[Verse 3]
So whatever the reason, I'm barely getting by
I'll trust it's a season knowing that you're by my side
Every step of the way
And I'll be okay

[Chorus]
'Cause I brought it up in a desperate prayer
Lord, why are you keeping me here?
Then He said to me, "Child, I'm planting seeds
I'm a good God and I have a good plan
So trust that I'm holding a watering can
And someday you'll see that flowers grow in the valley"

[Verse 4]
When I'm on the mountain and looking down below
I'll see a valley of flowers that needed time to grow
And I'll thank you for the rain
The hurt and days of pain

[Chorus]
And I'll bring it up in a grateful prayer
Thank you, Jesus, for keeping me there
You know just what I need and you've planted seeds
'Cause you're a good God with a real good plan
And you hold my world in a watering can
So I can have peace 'cause flowers grow in the valley

And if you have not heard this song yet,  here is a link to hear Samatha singing “Flowers”

It’s funny how hearing someone else’s struggles provides context. I was feeling down with my limited mobility for the past 4 weeks along with my lack of productivity post-surgery, but Samatha experiencing months of bedrest has given me new perspective.

Suffering is a filter… It shows my unfiltered self- the me without a mask, without the varnished facade; or maybe like a mirror…  it reflects who I am at the core. I can see my true self and become aware of the work that God wants to do in me. Where do you need to allow grace or mercy in your life or give to others?

What trials are you struggling through? Where are you weak and feeling like you are losing faith? Where is your hope diminishing? What do you need to do to re-engage your faith knowing that it is these very trials that will make you stronger. What conversation do you need to have with your Heavenly Father? What do you need him to help you overcome on the journey of maturity, perseverance, and character development?

Blessings,

Stan Reiff